Thursday, May 31, 2007
@ 7:11 AM

I know its like the dunno hw mani times i repeat myself again and again that i hate responsibilities. How i wish that my that sense of responsibility can go away so that i can get myself a good night rest and dont feel guilty. How i wish that i can be trusting in other people so that i can dump them with all the stuff and not care about anything. People have lots of things to be busy with, work, bf/gf, family, shopping, outing, studies. Yeah, onli i have nothing to do. Hw come they can do their stuff so feely without any guilt while i cnt?
I overestimated my own ability. Im like owas worrying over nothing, and even thats something serious, nobody will care anyway. If theres ways that i can handle matters myself, i wont even go around begging. I owas hate the feeling of being so vulnerable and looking at people faces, as if im vulnerable or inferior or wateva u call that. It simply sux too much. But, even when i do that, people will still give me ridiculous reasons that even a 3 year old child can give me. Happened again and again, tell myself again and again not to worry about stuff, but time and again, im owas panicking over these stuff, and time and again, i got rejected when i beg for help.
I can onli blame myself for worrying too much. I can only blame myself for taking too much within me. I can only blame myself when people dont appreciate. I can only blame myself for being so contridicting. I wanna have a good night rest but at the same time, i dont trust people. I rather do everything all by myself. Is it my problem, or the world's problem? I dunno, dont bother to answer. You guys will say its my problem anyway.
Hey, this gal is owas so skepital and cynical bout stuff. Yeah, you can say that. Indeed, I AM!! I dont wish to fend for myself. Those who know me well will know. I do care wat people think bout me, but times, i can dont care AT ALL!! Sorry and sad to say that, i owas wish to be alone. OWAS!! EVer since sec2 that stupid thing done by that stupid gal i owas wish to be alone. Yet, i noe its not possible. Its IMPOSSIBLE for one to live all alone. NOBODY HAD THE ABILITY. WE ARE DEPENDENT ON EACH OTHER.
If i wasnt born now. If i was to born centuries ago, when everything seems possible. GO on wandering, fishing, farming, or even lived in an island where onli me and the animal exist, its paradise. SIMPLY PARADISE.
THE WORLD IS COMPLICATED. Frens turning into enemies, family become strangers, colleagues become devil, work becomes hell. F*** F*** F***. I jus wans to keep swearing till the end of the world. When people likes you, you are afraid of their support, but when people hates you, you have nothing to fear. You can do wateva you want, cos nothing is worse than that.

End of IF I CAN NOT CARE

Thursday, May 24, 2007
@ 10:02 AM

Have been down for a few days with block nose and sore throat. Wednseday, jus so happen that both me and enting fall sick together. Its not like those normal cough or anything, i jus feel weak and enting is as though her whole body was aching. Then the 2 of us decided to skip T&D lesson, which we think that it caused some unhappiness from the T&D tutor. Budden haiz, its not like we reali pon or anything, its real OK!
Running on mild fever through the nite and today at sch im fine (except for the running nose part), budden poor enting still running a fever. Haiz. Think hers is much more serious than mine by. My peak is yesterday while hers, tink its today ba.
Well, then nite went play basketball with dad, bro and sis. Initially i refused to go, then its onli after some considerations that the urge to play comes in. Furthermore, i should pespire more in order to recover faster..haha. Well, do some shooting and running before someone came and wanna challenge my dad 2 on 2. Thats the firs time me and my dad played as a team. Initially the game is ok, still had the energy to run about and enjoy the game, but by the time we are at the last few balls, my battery run flat. The four years of emptiness and absence of training had left me with nothing but fats. Haiz. Thankz to dad, we trash. Out of 11, i tink i onli score 2 or 3.
Well, its been so long since i touched basketball. Occasionally the urge to play will come, but find no one to play with. Its rare that i can play match, tink the last match i played is around 2002 when the team is playing national champ. Haha. Thats like 5 years ago!!!
On the whole, fun and tired day. Hope enting will recover fast from her fever. Nite everybody.

End of Basketball

Tuesday, May 22, 2007
@ 6:30 AM

Six weeks had passed since school reopen. Life was nothing but hectic, nothing but rushing projects after projects. Howeva, something had turned out better in school compared to five weeks before when we firs met our new classmates. Now at least, the 2 groups of chinese speaking people (some english) can mix rather well. Well, its not like the two groups will go to lunch together, but on the bottom line, Hi and Byes are necessary now. Furthermore, sometimes i enjoyed the teasing of SzeMay by the 3 surname in one name guy. Though, sometimes the teasing gets little over or make my hair stands...haha. Yah, and theres one more thing. Somehow, i gotta thanz this tutorial class. Cos without this class, i will not be able to speak to the gal whom i owas dislike. A few years after separation and back to the same class, have made me more matured and accepting towards her. Thanz god that im no longer prejudice against her.
Next, im enjoying my writing than before. Just some time ago, when im so bleak bout wat i wanna do. To publish book, write scripts and stuff like that. I start to doubt myself if, im more of a maths & science person than a literature type of person. But things change on Sunday when im ready to expose some of the stuff that i've wrote to Enting, she actuali starts to encourage me on my writing career. Im a lil nervous before i send her e link cos its the firs time eva that im opening it to someone else besides my cousin and im afraid that the critics and feedback isnt too good. Im so relieved and happy when she gave me her comment. Ahaha. Then just yesterday nite, i let my dad read some of the stuff i've wrote oso. Not too much of negative and positive opinion but at least somehow he recognise what i write. Now now, my confidence is at its higher peak and im reali determine to continue to write for the rest of my life. Haha.
So, that will be all. Nite everybody. Love everyone who makes my life. MUACKS!

End of Life Recently

Friday, May 11, 2007
@ 7:10 AM

People around me are having their happiness. Having their boyfriends to dote and spent time with them. Seriously, im a little jealous and envy at the same time. Had been feeling very lonely at nite recently and i dunno where and how to get this feeling off. I hate it...simply hate it.
I badly need that someone who know me inside out, who can tolerate my tempers and listen to what i wanna say. I used to tink that i owas had no lack of place to get off the woes inside me but now, not anymore. I feel that i am being cut off from the world. No ways and means to let everything out. Im scared that those stuff compressed in me will soon explode... or maybe a suicide? It feels that everyone have their own life, but i dont have.
I'd longed for that concern. Its in the family sometimes ago, but as time flows, i dunno where the concern had gone to. Issit my fault that in the first place i didn care enough? But the prob is, i dont care enough for everything. School work, money matters, family, frens and other stuff as well, i never care much. I never wanna care.
Warmth? Maybe its the thing that is lack in me. Or mayb, is like wat enting said before, i lack of that passion for life. Mayb i once had them? But again, i dunno where they had gone to. Coldness. Be it physically or mentally.
I'd wan love but firs i have to learn not to reject love. Rejecting concern, mocking at love, detesting closeness, avioding responsibility is owas my hindrance to love. To love, to need means to depend and to loose, which im afriad of all of them. Im so afraid of them that i deter away and pretend that i dont need love. I pretended that im owas aloof and alone.
I loose the ability to love somewhere along the road and i owas envy other who are owas deeply in love. I need someone to teach me to love and be loved. Just like someone teaching a baby to walk and talk patiently. I need the patient, and i need that someone to teach me!! BADLY!! DESPERATELY!!
I guess this is some kind of mental illness. I reali dunno when it will be cured, just hope that i wont do anything silly just to overcome the feeling of lonely....

End of Love? Wait a little longer perhaps.

Monday, May 07, 2007
@ 8:53 AM

Today, i suppose its not too bad a day for me. Besides the fact that our group is finishing on one project, i saw my dream guy on the bus today (well not that dream actually).
This morning when im taking 154 to school, this guy wearing school uniforme sit beside me. Ok, i noe hes at least one or two year old younger than me, and thats why i said hes not tt a dream guy afterall. Out of curiosity, i jus turned my head and i saw this thing glitering in the sunlight that turn me on so much -- the cross earring. God, hes wearing it on one side and he style his hair so cool. One look, he give me the feel of Lee Jun Ki though im sure Lee Jun Ki is definitely better looking than him.
But the thing is, in such a society in Singapore, its so rare for a guy to wear dangling earrings. Im searching for this type of guy.
There are somethings jus cannot be explained. Im nt a christian and not much a big fan of church, but how the whole idea of crazing over the cross make me wonder much. No matter who wears it, so long as its a dangling piece of earring or a necklace, that person just automatically gives me the sexy feel and, IM SO TURNED ON BY THAT!!
Ok, besides the dream guy, actuali have some chat with Rachel bout Sec sch times. Ha, though not much of nice memory but ahh...it still feels good to catch up on old times isnt it? Furthermore its funny that how we two dont talk in Sec sch can talk so much now. Heehee.
Last, yeah to bro who lend me his hp (still figuring on hw to use it) and hopefully i get to go Zoo on thurs. Haha. Tml is the HR compulory bonding day and lets hope its fun. Nite everyone. :)

End of Dream Guy

Thursday, May 03, 2007
@ 6:08 AM

Finally, the HR congress is over for most of us. Well, if i had more energy and more task at hand, maybe the congress will be more fun. Im not saying that its not fun, just that its not as fun as it should be, but still its an enjoyable and a learning experience for me. On wed, 2nd May, everybody had to gather at Grand Corpothorn Waterfront Hotel at 6.30 am, meaning that i have to wake up at 5am to get ready. Haha and lucky me i didn overslept.
Well, although they asked us to gather so early, we were only being briefed at about 7am, and the first task of the day is to usher people at the registration counter. I guess initially the management people werent very happy with us cause we were scared of talking to the people and missed most of them. I think they see it as a kind of skiving of duties. Then i was asked to go level 3 to guide people to level four, and there i met MR LIM SWEE SAY( though i say met, in actual fact, its just saw). Hes the most punctual ministers, i heard some delegates saying the ministers are late most of the time and they are impressed, haha. Then later on, since nobody brief on the usherer( my original duties) on what to do and nobody was in charge, i switched job to join May and Enting on F&B support, which is rather slack and boring. All we had to do is to try pushing people into the 2 exhibition rooms, ensure the place is not too crowded and also not to let those people should not eat first to eat, and other than those time, we had nothing to do. At about 4 plus when the last refreshment session is over, most of us moved into the secretarial room to slack, sleep and skive. Heehee. Though its abit sian and tiring, the whole experience is fun as we get to make alot of new frens within the same lecture hall. There, they dont seems so frightening and unfriendly. In fact, we just talk and chat whateva we can even though we dunno each other in the first place, and some till now, i still dunno their names!!
Then today went for the seminars. This time not a student volunteer but a delegate. Well the seminars are very practical issues and are useful, especially the first one on how unions can do to help solve employment problems in Singapore.
Yah and one last thing. Over the last few days, i had been observing this guy alot. The guy with name that has 3 surnames. I can onli say that, hmm i dont quite like him. Well, the firs impression he give me is that hes actuali a very nice and quiet guy. Yah, hes still a nice guy but not a quiet one. In fact hes too noisy, a little bit of a flirtatious social butterfly. Hes like owas sticking around with gals and appear like a XIAO BAI LIAN, yah and of course, i caught some other gossiping about him too.
To think that i initially tink that he behave like Vanness WU. OMG, i take back what i say cos its totally different.
THere, i will stop here. I had a nice day, hope all of u too. SMILEZ.

End of HR CONGRESS